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Back to the Notes from the Coach Table of Contents November 2005, Listening for UnderstandingMusingAs Thanksgiving rapidly approaches I want to express my profound gratitude to all of you: to my dear friends, valued clients, beloved family and all who take time in your busy day to read my "Notes" every month. I feel extremely blessed to love my work as much as I do and to have such a quality network of friends and clients in my life.Remember, what we focus on expands. Gratitude is a powerful magnet for attracting more of what we want. It's time to focus not on what we lack, but to fully appreciate what we already have. May your November be full of appreciation and gratitude. ToolOne of my “truths" about relationships is that we all have a strong need to be heard, understood and taken seriously. We need to know that our points of view and feelings have validity. I would add that we also love when others AGREE with our points of view, but that is different experience, not to be confused with understanding!The best way to let someone know that you understand them is to repeat what you think you heard them express, in YOUR OWN WORDS. This is very different from parroting, which is simply repeating exactly what you heard. Most people find parroting a bit irritating, and it doesn't indicate you understood what you heard. This strategy requires that your INTENTION in listening is to understand, not jump back with your brilliant reply or rebuttal to what was just said. This is easier said than done when a) we're in a hurry b) in tense conflict situations, and c) when we don't like what we just heard! I often hear someone say “I understand, but. . . ." Nice try. Saying we understand doesn't mean we do and the other person knows that. You need to demonstrate it, then reply. Besides, the "but" just cancelled the "I understand"! Since YOU want to be heard and understood, please remember that the message sent is rarely the message received. Therefore, if you are putting out a request to an employee, giving instructions or creating an agreement, always end with a clarification question like “I want to make sure we are on the same page. Would you let me know your understanding of what I just said?" This will prevent many misunderstandings and cleanup jobs! Food for ThoughtI am thankful...For the taxes that I pay, Because it means that I am employed. For the mess to clean after a party, Because it means that I have been surrounded by friends. For the clothes that fit a little too snug, Because it means I have enough to eat. For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, Because it means I have a home. For all the complaining I hear about the government, Because it means that we have freedom of speech. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, Because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation. For my huge heating bill, Because it means I am warm. For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, Because it means that I can hear. For the pile of laundry and ironing, Because it means I have clothes to wear. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, Because it means I have been capable of working hard. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, Because it means that I am alive. —Source Unknown LaughterComputer Help Desk Silliness These are reportedly true interactions - and I hate to admit that they hit too close to home for me. I wonder if any of my interactions have ever been recorded. . .
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