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May 2006

Musing

I learned a familiar lesson the hard way again this week. I was at a conference in Yakima, WA. When I parked my car at the hotel I heard my intuition say "Don’t park here!". Now that was the only data. There were no obvious reasons not to park there, it was next to the door of my wing beside other cars, etc. I unpacked and made a mental note to move it. I never did .

Life interfered and I dismissed the inner voice. Quite dismissively, I might add! The next morning I came out to the car and someone had jumped from the roof onto my windshield, destroying the windshield of my dear Subaru Forester. I suspect the Cinco de Mayo celebration had gotten out of hand. Not a tragedy, just a big inconvenience. Since no one would fix it on Saturday or Sunday and the car could not be driven, I was stuck in Yakima an extra day while it was repaired on Monday.

So, it was costly in terms of time and money. From my own space of accountablilty, I had made a conscious choice to ignore my inner guidance system. I seem to need to learn this lesson the hard way over and over again. When I truly listen, my intuition is never off. It is my wiser self, in partnership with the big energy soup: spirit, chi, universe, God, whatever you want to call it. I invite you all to slow down, listen more deeply and heed the call.

Tool

Now that you’ve done your preparation, it’s time to speak up. Life never works in nice, easy steps, but here they are:
  1. Invite exploration: State your overall purpose and ask permission for timing. "I want__________________(you to thrive here at work) and I have a concern that I would like to explore with you. Is now a good time?" Timing is everything, and so is safety. You are creating safety by stating your purpose. Don’t leave until you have a time.
  2. State the facts only: your observations, what you heard, data. NO JUDGEMENTS. Example: "When you left the meeting yesterday while Michael was talking" vs. "When you stormed out of the room". Be careful of any words like rude, insensitive, unmotivated, hurtful. These words create a defensive person and they are your judgments only, not the truth.
  3. State the impact on you and why: your feelings, negative consequences for you, the team, the organization. Share your needs, values. "I feel___________because________"
  4. State your request: make it a specific, behavioral request (not a change in attitude!). Make sure it is a request, not a demand. If it is non-negotiable, i.e. a demand, tell it like it is and don’t disguise it as a request.
  5. LISTEN: to them. This could occur anywhere in this sequence. Listen at least 60% of the time during this interaction. Listen to their story. Listen to what they need from you.
  6. Create Agreement: What you are going to do differently, what they are going to do differently, if this involves specific behaviors. Steps 2-4 can be said in two sentences. In other words, no parenthetical poppycock or beating around the bush with a lot of words.
In summation: This is all about you. Take ownership. It is your needs or values that are impacted here, that’s why you have some negative feelings. Someone else may not find this person’s behavior to be a problem at all. This does require clarity and knowing what you want. The key is to be clear, kind, firm and curious about the other. Now, what are you waiting for? Go do it. Let me know how it went.

Food for Thought

" The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." Peter F. Drucker "The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them."
   —Ralph Nichols

Laughter

I don’t know who wrote these, but it wasn’t me as I am only 59. . . .

THINGS IT TOOK ME 60 YEARS TO LEARN

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

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