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Back to the Notes from the Coach Table of Contents February, 2005, That Irritating PersonMusingMany religious practices assign the 40-day period before Easter as an opportunity for soul-searching, reflection, and experiencing the world differently by changing patterns in our lives. This period also coincides with my yearly ritual of cleaning out the winter debris from my gardens, in order to make it easier for the spring bulbs and perennials to be reborn. I am focusing right now on letting go of my amazing ability to be critical, and to focus on my equally amazing ability to be accepting and compassionate.ToolI've always been fascinated by the Benedictine monks. Mostly because they seem to have discovered how to successfully live in community (based on the Rule of St. Benedict) and to integrate reflection and worship with the simple daily tasks of chopping wood and carrying water. One of the “rules" I find fascinating is "Don't be irritated by the brother who sings off-key".Personally, the thought of standing next to a brother who sings off key three to four times a day for my lifetime seems like the ultimate challenge around acceptance and compassion (one of the many reasons I am NOT a Benedictine monk). So where are you experiencing high levels of annoyance with someone singing off key in your life right now? Let's take one example that I often hear some of my clients talk about - working with the “control freak" in the Office or at home. First, be curious about the “story" you keep telling yourself (and others) that makes the annoyance bigger. Control freak is a judgment and implies a character flaw. What are the specific behaviors that are impacting your life? Joseph Grenny, one of the authors of the book “Crucial Conversations", suggests that instead of telling yourself a classic villain story about this person, you ask yourself “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?" The answers here could range from she believes she needs to stay informed at all times to please her boss, to she has no idea how her behavior is impacting others, to she really wants to be helpful and thinks this is the way to do it. As long as you stay invested in the villain story, it is tempting to either withdraw because she is not safe to interact with or get revenge because she deserves it! Second, ask yourself “How have I contributed to this situation?" This is very different from the victim story, which states that it is all her fault. Maybe your contribution is simply that you have not spoken about the impact of her behavior to her or that you continue to acquiesce to the annoying behaviors. Next month we will talk about speaking up. Sometimes, however, it is not necessary to speak up. It is only necessary to be curious about the other, assume the best of intentions, and to simply change the story we are telling ourselves to one that results in a different feeling, one of compassion and acceptance. Food for Thought“ Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong."— Lao-Tzu “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." — Dale Carnegie LaughterThe 10 Principles of Jewish Buddhism
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