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April 2006, Preparing for Courageous Conversation

Musing

Spring is nature’s way of saying "Let’s party!’"
— Robin Williams

I love this season. Our gardens come to life, the hummingbirds are back, and there is evidence of rebirth and transformation everywhere. I know, all too well, that we live in very challenging times right now. I also know that there is much beauty, kindness and peace. My garden is an act of beauty and peace.

I attended a workshop this month with Margaret Wheatley. She reminded us again that like the perennials in your garden, the human spirit is nearly impossible to destroy. We keep wanting to learn, to improve things and to care about each other. She encouraged us to ask ourselves, and each other, the following:

"What do you care about in the world?"

Then we need to start somewhere, take action and follow each "YES" in our hearts. There is no power greater than that of a community discovering what it cares about. Caring action is so evident in our community right now with people coming together to support the Finkbonners as their son struggles to live. What do you care about?? What do you need to say "YES" to?

Tool

Last month we talked about deciding when to bring up an issue with another person. This month we will talk about preparing for that "courageous conversation" that you’ve been putting off! The key word is PREPARE. If this relationship is important to you and particularly if you have strong negative feelings, it is important to do some work before you open your mouth and make the best speech you will ever regret.

The first step is to clarify the over-all purpose of this dialogue. Clear intention is everything. Start with heart, your heart. Why are you bothering to bring this up? Why is it worth gathering the courage? Hopefully, it’s because you want to strengthen the relationship, or be a better team at work, or see them thrive in their job, or feel more loving, or. . . .

It’s important to know because you will be telling them right up front. Your job is to create enough safety so dialogue can happen. If they know your purpose is positive, they may feel safer. I will admit that I have wanted at times to bring something up so I could win, be right, get revenge, teach them a lesson, etc. It never leads to constructive dialogue.

Now, clarify your "story" about the other person. Your story (what you are telling yourself about them) determines how you feel. Give them the benefit of the doubt. We can attribute all kinds of intentions to the other.

Choose one that allows you to feel caring, curious and compassionate. You could ask yourself "Why would a decent, rational, reasonable human being do what they are doing?" You could tell yourself that they aren’t even aware that they are doing or being this, or don’t realize the impact on you, or are simply trying to get their needs met.

Next, answer the question "What do you want from them?" Do you simply want to be heard and understood (and seen)? Do you want them to give you something or change their behavior? You will be making a clear, specific behavioral request, and it helps if you have this clarity going into the conversation.

A hint to help you get clarity. Underneath anger is usually hurt or fear (threat of some kind). So, if you are feeling angry towards them ask yourself what your fear or hurt is about. This will help you get to the REAL issue. And be more real with them.

OK, you’re ready to approach them. That’s next month.

Food for Thought

If there is any great secret of success in life, it lies in the ability to put yourself in the other person’s place and to see things from his point of view, as well as your own.
— Henry Ford

One must be truthful with oneself about one's own motives, especially if one is to survive in the world. It takes rigor, and it takes courage.
— Alain French

Laughter

Remember Burma Shave? For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old two-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain one line of a four-line couplet...... and the obligatory fifth sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream

Here are some of the actual signs:
  • DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
  • TO GAIN A MINUTE
  • YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
  • YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
  • BURMA SHAVE
  • BROTHER SPEEDER
  • LET'S REHEARSE
  • ALL TOGETHER
  • GOOD MORNING, NURSE
  • BURMA SHAVE
  • SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
  • BY MISTAKE
  • SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
  • HER HUSBAND JAKE
  • BURMA SHAVE
  • AROUND THE CURVE
  • LICKETY-SPLIT
  • BEAUTIFUL CAR
  • WASN'T IT?
  • BURMA SHAVE
  • A GUY WHO DRIVES
  • A CAR WIDE OPEN
  • IS NOT THINKIN'
  • HE'S JUST HOPIN'
  • BURMA SHAVE
  • CAR IN DITCH
  • DRIVER IN TREE
  • THE MOON WAS FULL
  • AND SO WAS HE.
  • BURMA SHAVE
  • PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
  • TAKE IT SLOW
  • LET OUR LITTLE
  • SHAVERS GROW
  • BURMA SHAVE


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